Posts Tagged ‘Noah’

Slipknot Still Sucks

Thursday, November 9th, 2023

Once upon a time, when the current century and millennium were just getting started, I was a middle- and high-school band director in my mid-20s. In the months after 9-11, I met another band director in her 20s, Jenny, and we went out on a few dates. I had a lot of first dates over the years, a few second dates, and Jenny and I probably went out eighteen times or so, making our dating relationship fairly memorable in the context of my history. Since I mostly don’t keep in touch with old girlfriends, and we never knew each other in any other setting, we’ve long since lost track, but Jenny was the last person I dated seriously before I met my wife, Becky.

Naturally, I suppose, a few anecdotes about Jenny and me are official canon in my family, including the “Slipknot still sucks” story.

It happened something like this:

I took Jenny to a minor league hockey game for our first evening date. Not because we were huge fans or even knew much about hockey… it was my idea of something to do. As the game progressed, we talked about likes and dislikes, as one does, and we fell to talking about music, as one does. We both shared an interest in rock music, and we may have even been talking about classical music, for all I remember at this point: we were both conservatory grads and school music teachers.

At some point, Jenny noticed that the teenaged boys in front of us kept turning around to look, and she thought they were snickering about our conversation. I don’t know if they were amused by our musical preferences, or wondering what it was like to be dating as adults, or genuinely shocked that someone like her would talk to someone like me. For whatever reason, they weren’t minding their own business.

I don’t know where the next part came from. I felt relaxed and just happy to be out and about: I always enjoyed dating, for the most part. I wasn’t happy in my job, but I had a decent group of friends, and was always welcome at my parents’ house. I had been living in Springfield for a little more than two years, and was really feeling comfortable there and in Dayton, where I had met Jenny when we both brought students to an honor band at the University of Dayton. I was feeling a confidence I hadn’t always felt, and I was on a second date with someone who seemed like a real prospect.

The kids in front of us turned around to sneer again, and I said, loud enough to be heard, “yeah, yeah, Slipknot still sucks.”

The kids probably reacted with more snickering, but I don’t really remember, because Jenny cracked up laughing, and I felt like I had actually said the right thing for a change.

It was a moment when a couple of snooty, sarcastic Young GenXer musicians bonded over the superiority of their shared musical tastes vis-a-vis a few Elder Millennials at a minor-league hockey game in Dayton, Ohio–not exactly the Algonquian Roundtable, but it felt good.

Really, that’s all I remember from that date, a couple of decades on: a dis on a few kids who were the same age as the kids I was teaching at the time.

The dirty truth? I had never listened to Slipknot. Not knowingly. Not one song.

It was the era before streaming, before iTunes even, so it wasn’t a simple matter of pulling Slipknot up on the app (I wouldn’t have a cell phone for another three years). I was still building a classical CD collection, and picking up a few classic rock CDs here and there. My radio diet was mostly NPR, which I had discovered in college, and some classic rock radio. I had recently adopted a TV that my parents had replaced, bringing the number of sets in my apartment to one, but I didn’t have cable, and barely ever turned it on.

My students listened to Slipknot–at least some of them–and that’s how I knew the name, from their t-shirts and the graffiti on their binders. It was around this time that I knew of Eminem and Insane Clown Posse, but I hadn’t heard them, either. I also hadn’t watched Fear Factor, or Survivor, and I had even lost track of The X-Files, which had been must-see TV for me in college and just after. I was much more in a bubble than I am today, I think, ironically at the very age when the proton pack of mass culture was aimed straight at my face. I read books, and I went to movies, and I thought about classical music, with my social life centered around being in a concert band and a brass band.

Jenny and I didn’t last much into the New Year, 2002. I left Springfield the next summer, and started dating Becky: we were serious by Thanksgiving, engaged for the Blackout of 2003, and married in 2004. This post was almost an email to Jenny, but I don’t even have that anymore. My Outlook contacts lists an AOL account for her, and that seems, well, unlikely.

But I thought Jenny–or the void I shout into–might appreciate the collision of worlds that has happened recently.

Noah, my thirteen-year-old son, is into music, and was talking about bands one day. At some point, unprompted, he mentioned Slipknot, to which I replied with a quick, “Yeah, yeah, Slipknot still sucks.”

I don’t usually use that kind of language around the kids, although I’ve gotten a little more free with it when it’s just Noah and me. I think he was probably also surprised that I would just dismiss any music in that way: I’ve always wanted him to have his own tastes, and explore what he’s interested in. Besides, I bit my tongue for his obsessions with Kid LaRoi, Lil Nas X, and Billie Eilish when he was in late elementary school, and they passed. Mercifully.

My little quip about Slipknot, though, was cause for discussion. First, I had to explain why I had said it: as a catch-phrase, mostly, from a time I wanted to impress a woman on our second date. I didn’t tell him it was also a reminder of a moment when I felt loose, and free, and confident in the midst of a time that I rarely felt those things. A reminder of a time when people my age were tastemakers–for better or for worse–and could enjoy our first opportunity to lord our good taste over our juniors.

Then, the inevitable:

“But Dad, have you really listened to Slipknot?”

I don’t lie to my kids (although I omit freely and without compunction): I admitted that I hadn’t, not knowingly.

Noah then appears to have taken it on himself to become a Slipknot expert. Not all at once, but it has gotten to the point where he is annoying not just his mother and me but also his friends with his interest in a band from two decades ago. He can’t be bothered to remember slope-intercept form, but if Slipknot sang it or did it, he wants to know.

Of course, Slipknot’s entire oeuvre and all the information one might want to know about Slipknot is right there, ready to be beer-bonged straight from his smartphone into his brain, in a way that wasn’t really available to me in late 2001 even if I had been of a mind to determine the band’s overall level of suckiness. I’m sure some Slipknot fan or a hundred dedicated their Geocities page to them, or there were glossy fan magazines on the rack at Big Bear, ready to cure my ignorance of what, for all I knew, might be the greatest act since, I don’t know… Barry Manilow?

So now, a mere twenty-two years after my initial assertion in a moment of colossally-hubristic snark, I am faced with the music that I once denigrated without hearing a single note. Noah streams it whenever he has the chance, and he sings along with Slipknot in the shower. He argues that it is “real” music that takes “real” work, unlike the processed drivel on the Top 40. They wear masks! They once played drums sideways! One of them speaks Klingon! Slipknot built the Pyramids, and beat up Kublai Khan!

You, reader, may be worried for me: Do I now have to tell Jenny–or absent that, the world–that I was wrong? Has that moment when I felt like I had a handle on things actually been built on an untenable assumption, and does one of the bright spots in a frankly difficult part of my life turn out to crumble?

More importantly, am I just some kind of a**hole with none of the cultural credibility my generation holds so dear?

Well, I’m here to tell you, having considered it more closely:

Slipknot still sucks.

Thank God.

Post-script: Things mentioned in this post that still suck:

  • Slipknot (Duh!)
  • Slope-Intercept Form
  • 9-11
  • The Blackout of 2003
  • Big Bear (or rather, the fact that Big Bear no longer exists)
  • Fear Factor and Survivor
  • smartphones

Post-post-script: Things mentioned in this post that don’t suck:

  • Becky
  • Noah
  • Minor-league hockey
  • First dates
  • Dayton
  • The X-Files
  • Showers

School Days

Saturday, May 22nd, 2021

They are tearing down my high school–Upper Arlington High School–over the summer, so I went back last month, and I took Noah, one day shy of turning 11, with me, to a walk-through day sponsored by the alumni association. It was the first time I had been back to most of the facility since I graduated, although I had been to the music area and the auditorium a couple times, mostly associated with the 2008 premiere of the piece I wrote for the band to commemorate the career of my high school band director, John Blevins.

I was surprised how much was the same. The building had not undergone any major renovations since before my time there, and even some of the fixtures were memorable. The light was the same—too little. The halls were surprisingly at once bigger or smaller than I remembered, and some doors seemed to be labelled with their original markings from the 1950s. It was a good day to be there, as the building was still very much in use, the final packing up for the summer still to come. In fact, there were signs asking us to stay out of classrooms. When I came to the band room, though, I couldn’t help myself, and Noah was shocked when I stepped over the caution tape to walk through the rehearsal space one last time, peeking at the locker that I had shared with Jay Moore during our junior and senior years, and snapping a couple of photos. Crossing lines put in place by authority is not something my son is accustomed to seeing me do, but I assured him that it would be alright, even while also telling him not to get any ideas.

Overall, I had a good four years in high school, from 1990 to 1994. I excelled academically, found my place in several groups of my classmates (band, mostly, but also the honors students, the gifted program, briefly the drama club, and too late the quiz team), and discovered the passion that would lead to my career. I wasn’t bullied, and I don’t think I was a bully, but neither was I a standout in the social world of my high school. My family lived a comfortable life, but I was surrounded by people whose parents were wealthier than us: lots of my friends were given a car when they turned sixteen, but I was given a set of keys to the family car.

What I am amazed by, these years later, is the quality of my teachers, especially after spending more than twenty years trying to be a teacher myself. I wrote once of the importance of every teenager having a role model who isn’t their parents—an uncle, spiritual guide, or teacher—and Upper Arlington High School had an embarrassment of riches among its faculty. If I hadn’t found that person in Mr. Blevins, there were easily three or four other teachers each year who could have been that person, and frequently were for my classmates. Even students who didn’t seem to fit could—and did—find these people. The huge number of clubs and sports coached by teachers meant that there were plenty of chances to interact with them in less-formal ways than in the classroom.

Upper Arlington High School was—and is—a well-funded school, attended by students who had all the advantages that wealth brings, and I’ve truthfully struggled my entire life to reconcile that experience with what I have seen and heard elsewhere, as a teacher, as a college professor, and as I’ve listened to the experiences of others in high school. In a negative sense, I have come to see what I often felt as entitlement, and white privilege, and I am frustrated that we can’t find a way to give what I had—and took for granted—to all kids.

Some things I would have done differently. Coming into high school, I had a pretty good network of friends, and leaving it, I had at least one close friend, but I don’t think I engaged in building relationships as much as I could have, and I didn’t manage to maintain those relationships in any kind of real way after graduation. On graduation day, I went home with my parents, and didn’t have any plans with the people I had just spent four years with. My father told me to go seemy friends, but I didn’t have anywhere to go: all my friendships but one were essentially situational, and when high school ended, they basically did, too. This was in part what I wanted—I was very ready to go on to the next thing and start living my life, and I viewed going away to college and leaving everything I knew mostly behind as a big part of that. It wasn’t until I got onto social media (nearly 15 years later) that I found out what happened to most people. Mistakenly, I had thought that the only important part of high school was high school.

I have also come to realize that for many of my classmates and peers at high schools of all types, the high school experience was not a good one. For a place that should be dedicated to learning and knowledge, too often there is very little of either. There are those who placed their trust one or another teacher, only to have that trust betrayed in often horrifying ways. There are people who were bullied, or ostracized, and they carry the damage with them into their adult lives—adulthood is high school with money, as the saying goes. There were people who simply had to wait and endure that four years in order to be able to go and pursue their visions, goals, and dreams in a way that didn’t fit in with a bell schedule, semesters, homework, and hall passes, and resented it. There were people who injured themselves in lifelong ways, either on the athletic field or otherwise, trying to come up to what was expected of them. As Hesse suggests, education is a way of placing us beneath the wheel; the Bildungsroman is almost always written while wearing rose-colored glasses.

As my children approach this world—Noah is headed into the minefield of middle school in the fall—I try to see what I want for them. The high school they will attend is most certainly not Upper Arlington in 1994, and I would like to see them aim higher than most of that school’s students who I seem to meet. I realize now that I am a very different person because of the people I was around in high school—the artists, musicians, and honors students. It was nothing in the water—it was constantly being around people whose parents shared the same goals as me. I want my children to be able to assume that they can use their minds to earn a living, to be able to provide a good life for their children, to not be afraid of books or art or people who are different (although there was plenty of that at Upper Arlington, too). I want them to know success, and to know a world where they believe success is possible, and where people are willing to at least give them a chance to succeed.

Twenty-seven years out of high school, I am still thinking about high school. As the physical evidence of the school is being torn down and replaced with something new, what happened to me in those four years—good, bad, indifferent—carries on, more than a look through old yearbooks (I am shocked at how many strangers stare back at me from those pages), or posts on social media, or the reunions that I’ve never been to.

I never wanted to be a nostalgic person, and I detest the kind of nostalgia that sees the past as better. I refuse to engage in golden age thinking (or gold-and-black age thinking, in this case). But the Greek roots of nostalgia refer to pain—pain for one’s home. There is a part of me that does ache for that time—to put on the band uniform, or learn fresh some way that the world works, or for once feel like I am meeting the world’s expectations. I shouldn’t, because that was all an illusion, and it was all designed for someone else. I wouldn’t go back—most days—but walking through that doomed building reminded me of what a time it was, and how it continues to make me who I am today.

Play Day

Thursday, January 5th, 2017

Noah is just past six-and-a-half years old now.  Before his sister Melia, who just turned three, came along, I was often Noah’s primary playmate, the one who would get down on the floor with him and play with toys.  I’ve been doing less of that, and at home his play is often circumscribed by this other, newer, smaller creature.  Melia only seems to know how to make messes, and she can’t yet play with the sophistication that her brother, with a head start of almost four years, can bring to the table

But for the first part of this week, Melia visited Becky’s mom, and for about twenty-four hours, Noah had us to himself again, and it was like old times.  It was a snapshot of what things would be like without a second child, and Noah and I both had a good day.  Tuesday, January 3, 2017.

It was a dark, rainy day, all day.  I woke Noah up at about 7:30.  He was sleepy, although I had just had a good work session, so I was not.  He initially didn’t want to wake up, so I hopped on his bed and cuddled with him for a moment.  He asked me to carry him into the kitchen for breakfast, so I did.  There will only be so many more days that can start like that, I thought.  Chocolate Pop-Tarts for Noah, and generic Cheerios for me, with orange juice for both of us.  A much quieter breakfast than when his sister is here.  Noah can be a loud kid, but appreciates quiet, too.

Noah had bathed the night before, so it was left only to get dressed, and brush teeth and hair, before heading upstairs for a piano practice session.  He is most of the way through the primer book after about four months of piano lessons, and he wants to do well, but he isn’t ready to practice on his own.  Too many distractions, perhaps.  A shower for me, and then we were off to his piano lesson–a mid-morning make-up lesson made possible by Tuesday being the last day of his Christmas break.  Usually, the studios at the Fine Arts Association are filled with the sound of many students having lessons at once, but on Tuesday morning, Noah was the only student, and for a change, I was essentially able to listen to his lesson in detail through the door.  He and his teacher, Rita Cyvas-Klioris, have a good rapport, and she has adapted well to his impulsive personality.

Then to the library to return the books that were due and select new ones.  Home for lunch.  After lunch, Noah wanted to play Legos, and I spent my afternoon with him in the basement building vehicles and acting out scenes with his minifigures.  He is interested in A Christmas Carol, and he named the figures Scrooge, Marley, and Cratchit, although once we had rehearsed Dickens’ story, there were myriad other adventures.  We took a break for a few hands of Uno, and then went back to Legos until dinner time.  Then Noah, Becky, and I went to Cracker Barrel.

We returned home and reinstituted Noah’s bedtime routine–earlier than it had evolved to be over the holiday break, and everything simplified by Melia’s absence.  Life would be simpler, I thought, with only one child, but once Melia is older and more reasonable, all of our lives will be enriched, I think.  I need to find way to play with Melia the way I did with Noah; I just haven’t seen her as much as I did Noah in his first three years.

But Tuesday, that was a good day, and there aren’t so many of those.

 

Why My Son Will Never Play Football

Saturday, October 23rd, 2010

This is an elaboration of a statement I have made to a few people now and again, and a few more since Noah was born.  I hope it doesn’t amount to heresy in too many people’s minds, but since becoming a father, I feel all the more strongly about it.  My son, Noah, will not be playing football, at least not in any sort of organized way.  Please don’t think him a coward or less of a man–it simply isn’t his choice.  If Becky and I have more children, they won’t be playing football, either.

As a band member, and later as a high school and college band director, I have seen more football games than I might otherwise have chosen to see.   I’ve been told that you never really understand the game until you’ve played it, and while I’ve played in pickup games, mostly touch or flag, I can’t really say that I’ve played football.  Not in the way that some men mean when they talk about their football experiences.

I’ve watched, though.  And I watch Ohio State play football, not out of a great love of the game, or out of genuine affection for Ohio State, but because it’s a link to my hometown, and sometimes they show places that I’ve been during the coverage, and it was the Ohio State marching band that first inspired me to be a trombonist in any serious way.  I haven’t been to an Ohio State football game since 1987, and I’ve never paid for a ticket–I was an usher with the Boy Scouts back then.  Ohio State football reminds me of home, and I live a long way from there.

I don’t know what my parents woudl have said if my brother and I wanted to play.  We certainly weren’t encouraged to play or to try out, and until that season ushering at Ohio State, my parents only ever took us to a few games, always Homecoming at Wittenberg University, my father’s alma mater.  When I was in first grade, I remember Wittenberg beating Marietta 65-3.  I don’t know what the response to a yearning desire to play football would have been; my brother and I both had other interests, and we were pushed toward Boy Scouts  by my father, who was the best scoutmaster I ever saw.

Noah will not play football because of the almost certain chance that he will be injured either in practice or in the game.  In particular, the chance of brain injury–almost too certain to call it a chance–is what really damns the sport in my book.  One person I’ve discussed this with recently objected that helmets keep getting better and better.  However, a helmet may protect the skull from direct trauma, but it does little for the brain, floating serenely in the cranium until subjected to the sudden acceleration that can cause concussion, or worse.

Just what does a concussion mean to a young man of football age?  The teens are a time when the brain is developing rapidly, but in an odd way–the unused synapses are being closed down, and trauma to the brain at that age accelerates this process.  All humans undergo this pruning of neural pathways, but if too few remain, it can become difficult if not impossible to learn later in life.  The results of repeated concussions are rapidly becoming clear–greater risk of depression, suicide, and propensity for substance abuse, violent behavior, along with diminished capacity to adapt to a changing and challenging world.

While none of these prospects is good, this last is probably the most concerning.  In the 1940s, perhaps it was the case that a young man who suffered a concussion or two would be just fine.  The economy was based on manufacturing and agriculture to a far greater extent than today.  A person of less-than-perfect mental ability could still find a job that would allow him to support a family in a middle-class lifestyle and possibly even retire comfortably courtesy of strong unions, Social Security and a booming American economy.  The work was relatively simple, repetitive and unchanging.  A high school diploma was enough.

Today, though, a college degree is the new high school diploma.  By the time Noah graduates high school in 2028, it is difficult to imagine that a master’s degree will not be necessary for most desirable jobs.  The repetitive, simple job that provides a middle-class existence has been gone for decades, of course, and the truth is that Noah will need every brain cell he can muster to be competitive in a world in which competition is global, intense and technologically driven.  To allow him to participate in an activity, namely football, that is predicated on deliberately striking another human being as hard as physically possible, and being so struck oneself, is, to my thinking, the epitome of child abuse.

Here in Oklahoma, and in much of the rest of the country, high school football is a religion, and what I’m saying is heresy.  Many of my colleagues, neighbors and students regard their time playing high school football as golden, and eagerly anticipate the day that their sons can put on helmet and shoulder pads.  Around here, community leagues begin in elementary school, as was true in my hometown.  Even if I had wanted to play football in middle school, I would have been outclassed by my peers who had played years of UA Grid Kid football.  What I’m about to say next will anger football lovers even more:

Football must to be banned if the United States is to compete in the 21st century world.

It is no secret that the growing economies, especially China and India, will soon surpass America in nearly every category, at least those in which they have not bested us already.  Like Noah, we will need every brain cell we can lay our hands on to be creative, intelligent and tenacious rather than lethargic, beaten-down or worse.  We simply cannot sacrifice a generation of our young men in the name of a game.

Maybe an outright ban isn’t necessary.  Government can apply a variety of tools to influence behavior.  Perhaps denying federal funding to schools who continue to sponsor football teams is the answer.  Perhaps a punitive tax on football equipment that would fund the social services required by the victims of concussions and their families.  Perhaps a switch to flag football is the answer–an option suggested derisively by one commentator not long ago on national television in response to what he perceived as an overly “safe” call.

Why do we as a society continue to promote this sort of institutionalized violence?  As a male, I understand the occasional desire to “knock heads”–I have as much testosterone as the next man.  However, if our society isn’t based on the need to subvert those urges, then upon what is it founded?  Are we really in need of this kind of ritualized warfare?  Are there not more civilized forms of competition just as intense?

Football undoubtedly has benefits for some young men.  As with all opportunities for young men to interact with wiser, older men, football allows lives to be changed for the better when a boy who hasn’t had a fair shake encounters men of character.  At the same time, though, does the number of injuries and deaths in high school football really justify this?  Are there not other chances for young men to encouter the men who will become their mentors and shape them?  Wouldn’t a few less traumatically-brain-damaged men be better able to provide this for some boys who don’t currently get it, whether their sons or someone else’s?

Similarly, the argument that football teaches persistence and otherwise “builds character” is technically true, at least for the young men who don’t get cut from the team or have to quit because of injury.  But any endeavor worth pursuing and well-persued can teach persistence.  I learned it from music, while my brother learned it working on the school newspaper.  We also both had a serious dose of it from Scouting and from running our newspaper delivery route (a small business, really).  Any activity worth pursuing can teach character and persistence, and possibly without brain-damage an indoctrination of violence.

Perhaps football teaches strategy and tactics.  Again, this may be true.  It was said that Wellington’s victory at Waterloo was born on the ball fields of Eton and Cambridge.  I am not such an idealist to believe that our country will not one day need to again demonstrate military prowess in the fundamental sort of way that football would seem to simulate on a weekly basis.  However, I would submit that the boon Wellington and his officers actually got from playing together was not strategic in nature, but rather more to do with command and control, as a 19th-century officer could not immediately know his commander’s wishes in the heat of battle.  It was through their personal knowledge of Wellington’s style that his former classmates were able to intuit his intentions.  We have the equivalent in the United States, namely in the cadres of officers graduated each year from West Point, Annapolis and the Air Force Academy.  Football has little to do with it.  The best way to study strategy and tactics is to actually study strategy and tactics, then engage in the most realistic simulations of warfare as possible, not to participate in a game requiring you to knock helmets deliberately with the very people who you will one day depend on as you fight alongside them.

People who know me consider me to be serious (although people who really know me know that I have a lighter side, too).  I see nothing wrong with throwing the flag, as it were, on a dangerous activity, and I can only hope that people will read this and understand when Noah doesn’t suit up sometime around 2022 or so.  I hope to do as my parents did and present him with other opportunities to build his character, first and foremost providing him with an example, as did my father.  I will understand if people my age (and younger, as I’m a little old to be a first-tiem father) continue to let their sons play, but please respect my decision, and don’t try to convince Noah that he needs to play football.